💫 Summary
This video is a live writing correction session focusing on an argumentative essay about social projects and public safety. The instructor provides tips on grammar and content analysis, emphasizing the importance of explaining how social projects contribute to maintaining public safety. The essay falls short of delivering the requested content, but the instructor offers guidance on improving structure and approach.
✨ Highlights📊 Transcript
This section introduces the topic of correcting an essay focused on the Military Police of the Federal District and discusses the different possible positions to take when approaching the topic.
The video is about correcting an essay for the PMDF.
The fish method is mentioned as a way to approach the essay.
Four possibilities for positioning in the essay are discussed.
This section explains that the essay topic is not asking for an opinion, but rather wants to measure the level of knowledge regarding the relationship between social projects and public safety maintenance.
The essay topic is asking how social projects contribute to maintaining public safety.
It is important to understand the concepts of maintenance and public safety.
The essay requires supporting information from studies that demonstrate how social projects contribute to reducing violence and maintaining public safety.
The section discusses a project that aims to rescue children and young people through football and protect victims of domestic violence.
The project is within the scope of PMDF (Military Police District).
It has a partnership with the Ministry of Justice for targeted prevention of domestic and family violence.
The project involves specialized start teams that visit victims of domestic violence.
The collaboration between the local security secretariat and PMDF helps in rescuing young people and children in different communities.
Using outdated language expressions in your writing is unnecessary and does not improve its coherence or cohesion.
Highlighting outdated expressions is not required in modern writing.
Use simple language and clear conjunctions to punctuate the relationship between paragraphs.
Starting paragraphs directly and using appropriate conjunctions is more effective in conveying ideas.
The section discusses the importance of grammar and correct punctuation in writing, as well as provides feedback on specific errors in the text.
Emphasizes the need to learn grammar and punctuation to save mental space for other important information.
Points out missing accents and unnecessary expressions in the text.
Mentions the topic of domestic violence and the role of PMDF in addressing it.
Comments on the unnecessary complexity in the writing and advises against it.
The speaker discusses how social projects carried out by the military police of the Federal District contribute to public security.
The military police of the Federal District is a major protagonist in the defense of public security.
Social projects offer alternatives to young people, such as playing football or participating in music projects, which reduce violence and decrease crime rates.
By providing new perspectives and opportunities, social projects help young people avoid a life of crime and become professionals in their chosen fields.
The Brazilian public is considered deficient and boring by young people, which needs to be addressed.
The essay discussed in this section does not meet the requirements of the panel, as it fails to explain how social projects can contribute to public security.
The conclusion of the essay deviates from the requested theme.
The essay could be canceled by the panel for not addressing the required topic.
The approach to the topic is considered to be very low.
The essay has grammatical errors but is well-structured.
The speaker discusses the importance of reaching a high level of proficiency in the Portuguese language and introduces the fish method as a technique to achieve this.
The fish method teaches the logic of constructing themes and paragraphs.
The method can help students achieve above 80% grade in essay writing.
Proficiency in the Portuguese language is a combination of technique, study, and research.
The speaker, as a teacher, can adapt techniques and ready-made skeletons to fit different themes and levels of proficiency.
00:06Hi everyone, good morning, I'm here for you,
00:10are you okay, okay, okay,
00:14Let's get there,
00:18whoever is participating in
00:20competition groups with people who are
00:24for the PMDF or for any other type of
00:28test that will require writing, because here
00:29we go have a lot of tips on
00:31argumentative dissertation Share the
00:35link then I wasn't able to
00:37publicize this Live so call people
00:40help the people who are with you on this
00:42journey and let's start today we will
00:45correct an essay focused on the
00:47Military Police of the Federal District the panel is the
00:49ocp And then we're going to delve a
00:53little into the context of this panel and this
00:56topic and find out if we'll have an
01:00approved essay today or a straight one
01:03and ronilda how are your
01:05essays, huh, how do you think
01:07So yours, they are more like
01:09tested or more like Reunidas, it's
01:13share this link with your
01:16friends in the WhatsApp groups,
01:19Instagram group, I don't know,
01:20to call people to take advantage of this
01:23opportunity. Who's here with me today,
01:25Sara? Good morning he Eline Macedo Good morning,
01:29he told me he's going to do the PMDF So
01:32this one will fit like a glove for
01:34you, let's get off to a
01:37good start Remembering here that in the
01:41writing workshop we work with the
01:44fish method, ok, which involves you mastering
01:49the translation of the themes that is based on
01:53identifying the positioning that the
01:56panel expects you to adopt when approaching
01:59that topic And then you have four
02:01possibilities, which is the positioning
02:03that we call Cipó here, it may
02:05ask you to demonstrate your
02:07level of knowledge, it may ask you
02:10to you reflect on what's
02:12most important about the topic, she
02:14might come up with the crazy topic that's a little
02:17too open and you look and say man, where am
02:19I going with this thing here I'm a little
02:21lost and she might ask you to
02:23defend a opinion, each type of
02:29demands from you a selection of
02:32different arguments, from the most technical
02:35to the most subjective, ok, there are themes that
02:39allow you to take different positions. And then
02:42you can choose which one makes the most
02:44sense for you based on what you
02:46are most comfortable addressing. Ok, but
02:49it changes the thread of the essay, the
02:53direction of the essay, and also the
02:56technicality of the arguments that you will
02:58have to choose, beauty.
03:00Furthermore, the first one is fishing,
03:04it concerns the structure of the themes
03:06that we call here soup structure
03:08which can be a structured theme to
03:12ask you solution purpose it can have
03:15a structure that allows it to be
03:17transformed into a question and it
03:19can also be separated into parts again each
03:22type of structure defines what type
03:26of information you will have what to put
03:28in each paragraph of your text and
03:31how you will organize this
03:34information throughout this text Ok,
03:37this is important so that you don't stray from the
03:39non-tangential topic and don't say
03:42things that the panel doesn't want to read
03:44in your essay Ok for me We
03:47work with the skeleton of
03:50paragraphs, that is, with the
03:52intelligent skeletons that we give
03:54you, including in the course
03:56Smart Paragraph Skeletons, you have a
04:00paragraph skeleton for each
04:01soup structure here, so when the
04:05topic asks you for a purpose, solution how do
04:07you put together the introduction,
04:08development and conclusion when the
04:10topic is transformed into a question in the
04:13plural how do you put together the
04:15paragraphs in the singular how do you
04:16put together the paragraphs when you have them
04:19separated into parts that relate to each other
04:21how do you assemble each paragraph and
04:23in independent parts How do you
04:25assemble each paragraph so the
04:28fish method is the basis for you to know how to
04:31translate the topic correctly understand
04:34what the panel wants you to deliver to
04:36them And how do you assemble
04:40perfect paragraphs for deliver exactly what
04:43the panel wants to read in your essay Ok so
04:45what are we going to evaluate when correcting
04:48today's essay if the person is
04:51able to deliver what the topic is
04:53asking for And if they managed to structure
04:55the paragraphs well and I will base myself In the
04:58fish method to do these analyses,
05:00if you still don't know any of this, you
05:03've never heard of it but want to learn, it's
05:05exactly what I teach in the
05:07intelligent skeleton course of the paragraphs,
05:09you still have the opportunity to
05:10invest cheaply, so if
05:13you're not yet, my student is because
05:16it's a great opportunity So let's take
05:19a look here at the essay topic This
05:22was a topic asked in a
05:23real test, ok And then there are
05:28some images here, right, so programs I
05:31also want to learn and good thing are
05:34photos of social programs here, there are
05:37band activities with circuses, children
05:40in football uniforms and so on and so on and then
05:43here comes the text, right? Remembering that
05:45we actively read the texts
05:48so I'm going to take my brush here so I
05:53read it and already marking what I think
05:56is interesting to help me
06:00unlock my search for arguments and
06:02so on, so let's take a look there,
06:04the Lula battalion of the PMDF develops
06:07several socio-educational activities I will
06:09focus on the needy community of
06:13Gama and the region of alagoado da Suzana
06:16young children and adults participate in
06:19lectures and workshops with an
06:21educational and training nature that arise
06:25according to the demand of the region
06:28These activities are carried out with
06:30themes aimed at the population such as
06:33anti-drug policy,
06:35appreciation of women and
06:37domestic violence against children in the community
06:40they participate in summer camps,
06:41trips to the circus, the theater and various
06:44other places, all organized by the
06:46community battalion police officers, there are
06:49also monitored visits to the battalion.
06:51Generally, on Fridays, as
06:53scheduled, all these activities
06:55bring the community closer to those responsible
06:58for the population's safety and generate a
07:01mutual relationship of respect and trust,
07:04in addition to everything, the ninth battalion develops the
07:07Bom de Bola project aimed at children
07:10in the region. Bom de Bola football classes
07:13take place on Saturday mornings and
07:15children must be enrolled in
07:17school to participate in the activities,
07:20considering that the text presented is
07:22merely motivating in nature, write a
07:25dissertation text or I will describe with the
07:29topic how the social projects carried out
07:32by the Military Police of the federal district
07:34can contribute to the maintenance of
07:38Public Security so here we
07:41start to apply the fishing method, right,
07:45we already clearly identify that this
07:47is a topic transformed into a question
07:49because the panel itself has already submitted this
07:52topic as a question so it has already
07:54taken it from us This work now
07:57we need to understand What type of
07:59position is it expecting?
08:03opinion on a subject, no, right,
08:06because she didn't ask for a position,
08:08she doesn't want to know whether or not you agree
08:10with the social projects or whether
08:12or not you agree that these projects
08:15help maintain
08:16Public Safety, she doesn't want to know that She
08:19wants to know how they help Ok so she
08:24wants to measure your level of knowledge
08:27regarding the relationship between social projects and
08:31Public Safety maintenance to
08:34be able to do this essay well you
08:36need to understand what maintenance is
08:38and what public safety is ok If
08:41you don't know these concepts will
08:43get a little more difficult for you to
08:45think about that
08:46maintenance means keeping it running,
08:50right? So I take my car for
08:52maintenance so they can do an inspection, change it
08:54and adjust what needs to be
08:57adjusted so that it keeps it
09:00running, so that's how the
09:02social projects carried out by the PMDF
09:06contribute to maintaining public safety
09:09in these neighborhoods in these
09:13regions Ok,
09:15keep working in these regions so
09:18that they do not completely fall into
09:20violence so that these children
09:21participating in this project have less
09:24chance of becoming involved in crime And so on
09:27Ok then as social projects
09:30they contribute to maintaining public safety
09:33Okay, so that's what
09:37we're going to analyze if this essay
09:39has achieved And then there are relationships that
09:44are not taken out of your head, right, so
09:47there is material already studies that
09:50demonstrate and that show how
09:53social projects contribute to reducing
09:55violence to maintain
09:57public safety in places, so it's
10:00this type of information that you
10:02're going to have to go after Ok so that's why
10:04this is a topic with a positioning that
10:07wants to measure your level of knowledge, okay
10:09? it's not about what's most
10:12important because the subjects, themes
10:15that ask for reflection on what's
10:17most important, they're more
10:20abstract, they leave it for you to
10:23reflect on, it's almost a reflection
10:26on a subject and here it's not here
10:28you won't be able to invent anything and take
10:31things that aren't in the bibliography
10:34on public security, understand? You
10:36need to know what the relationship is to
10:39be able to answer this topic, beauty, I
10:41'll explain this in more depth
10:43within the intelligent skeletons, okay,
10:45so let's get ready for us start
10:49the correction Let's go So let's go first
10:55thing we do is Analyze the
10:58grammatical errors based on them
11:01we Correct the content part So let's
11:04go there is a lot of discussion about
11:06public security there is currently a lack of emphasis
11:08and when we talk about this
11:18the military police of the district that there is an
11:21error in the Federal District this
11:24should be in quotation marks in
11:29quotation marks not in parentheses the PMDF
11:32is a great supporting player, don't call it a
11:36supporting character it shouldn't be a protagonist, right
11:41? highlight so
11:45calling it a supporting role is kind of
11:47denigrating it in some way denigrating
11:50is not a nice word, right, diminishing
11:52denigrating a racist word is diminishing
11:56the importance of
12:00police work Ok so it's a it's a great
12:05protagonist it's through not through
12:09means passing something thing
12:11inside something, so you rarely
12:15pass it, you will use this expression in
12:17your essays, the ideal is to put it
12:20through ok, which is the form, it is the vehicle,
12:23the tool used to make
12:29something happen, through, so
12:31the water passed. through the pipe, you know,
12:34inside the pipe, people took the sofa
12:37through the window. So, through the
12:40window, it's fine, so through a project
12:42on social inclusion,
12:45preventing violence and combating
12:51this sentence is poorly written and in this
12:54way it has contributed to safety
12:58this essay will get away from the topic, ok, it
13:02is a great
13:05support through projects on
13:07social inclusion, prevention of
13:48violence and combating drugs to drugs, she
13:53to the maintenance of Public Safety
13:55Ok, so either she contributes to the
13:58maintenance is for, right, she contributes
14:01to or contributes to so here I think it
14:04would be better for her, she
14:05contributes to the maintenance of
14:10Public Safety with the maintenance, I think it is possible to
14:12maintain it,
14:23but here we already see that there are some
14:26as can be seen, not
14:36one of the projects, social inclusion,
14:40takes place in the PMDF through
14:42equine therapy developed since the 90s
14:47by the latter and is located in the city do Riacho
14:53Aims, on its part,
15:02to integrate people with disabilities and
15:06synagically brings the population closer to the
15:10police officers, it's not sweet from the police officers in the
15:14region, my God, on the other hand, it integrates
15:18people with disabilities and synagically
15:20brings the population closer to the police officers in the
15:22region, given this scenario, another
15:26project is not
15:28Another project internally is Bom de
15:32Bola, which is located in the city of Gama in the
15:34ninth battalion of the military police, which
15:37is close to an area where
15:43needy or vulnerable people are common, and
15:46in this way
15:50the project seeks to rescue
15:54children through football. and young people from the region,
15:57still within the scope of the PMDF, it is obvious that it has
16:01to be within the scope of the PMDF, which was
16:03what the topic asked about, so you don't
16:05need to keep saying this all the
16:07time, it's
16:08due to
16:11the increase in domestic violence, it
16:14does have a partnership with the Ministry of Justice,
16:19the project called provide, which means targeted
16:25of domestic and
16:27family violence, this
16:30aims to protect and guide victims of
16:34domestic violence through
16:36visits from
16:37specialized start teams.
16:52local security secretariat excellent
16:55collaboration and the rescue of young people and
16:58children in the
17:00different communities, in addition to reducing
17:05domestic violence, it is inferred that in this
17:08way, in addition to bringing together
17:10domestic violence, there would have to be an
17:13Empire end point, which in this way the PMDF with
17:17their projects
17:23started to become non-
17:28supportive, also not for
17:30luxury, our non-
17:35supporting luxury, not for
17:38public safety, well,
17:42we have some important problems, here, just so
17:44we can review the
17:47grammatical part, we need to, I'll
17:53give you a quick look here, right? all
17:56the grammatical errors, explain to you
17:58quickly why they happen,
18:01then we move on to
18:02content analysis here, there's a lack of accent here, the
18:07person is using the
18:09cataphoric pronoun instead of the anaphoric one, when
18:13you're writing an essay you
18:15'll always make reference to what already was
18:17written It is very difficult for you to make
18:20reference to it is something that will be
18:22written which is Normally when you
18:24use the pronoun with T Ok so
18:27this one is not going to fit here ok so there is
18:32a lot of discussion about public safety these
18:35days when it comes to this aspect
18:37In this regard of Security Public
18:40military police district it seems that it is
18:43written in the Federal PMDF study it had to
18:46be in parentheses it is a great
18:49protagonist Ok supporting character, not that
18:52supporting character is the one who provides support
18:55kind of in the background, right, it is the actor
18:58who is not the most important, so no It's
19:00cool to use this term Beauty, so here it
19:04is. In this regard, in terms of
19:07Public Security, something that has already been said. Okay, so
19:10don't use the pronoun with T in your
19:13essays, most of the times you
19:15use it, it will be wrong in this essay,
19:18it is correct in one moment
19:20below here is the cataporic pronoun, it is
19:24correct in a moment here because
19:28it talks exactly about the term that is
19:31right behind it, so here, prevention
19:35oriented to domestic and
19:36family violence, this Visa, so, like, this
19:41project about it just said that It
19:43was the last thing he addressed, it
19:47aims to protect, so you can, but you're
19:50already starting to realize how complex it is to
19:52try to understand this whole thing,
19:54so you don't have to
19:56memorize the grammar rule, don't write
19:59pronoun contain in your essay, so it's this one.
20:02OK, this one, do
20:08n't put it Don't put it in because then you don't
20:11run the risk of making a mistake, OK, because
20:14most of the time you'll put it
20:16wrong, ok, so don't risk losing a
20:20point because of random things Okay,
20:22okay, right here he made a lot more mistakes than he
20:26got right here there is one two three four
20:30five mistakes
20:34due to the cataphoric pronoun in place
20:37of the anaphoric and one correct answer, that is, the
20:40loss was greater than the profit, right
20:51through a project on
20:53social inclusion, I'm here on line 4
20:55preventing violence and combating
20:57drugs and in this way it has contributed
21:01to public safety and here,
21:04through a project on social inclusion,
21:06preventing violence and combating
21:08drugs, it contributes to the maintenance of
21:12Public Safety why put
21:14maintenance here because it's in the topic she
21:17didn't ask to
21:20explain how it contributes to
21:23public safety in general she asked to
21:26explain how maintenance contributes
21:28to the maintenance of Public Safety Ok
21:31maintenance so the term has to be
21:34here Alright then it is here we have a
21:38problem with trying to create cohesion
21:41between paragraphs about cohesion
21:46you need to know that
21:49you have
21:52external cohesion that is between paragraphs And you
21:56have internal cohesion that is within the
21:59paragraph okay when we are talking
22:01about cohesion
22:04between the paragraphs of writing so
22:06between the introduction and the development
22:09one development two and the conclusion I
22:12need to have cohesion so that the
22:14information complements each other make
22:17references to each other
22:19this type of cohesion is given much more
22:23by the context than by the use of
22:26cohesive elements of
22:28cousive expressions So people, you have to
22:32write a progressive essay so
22:36cohesion between
22:39paragraphs naturally happens. You don't touch
22:42cohesive elements unnecessarily at the
22:46beginning of the paragraphs to try to
22:49convince whoever is reading that your
22:51essay is cohesive because most of the
22:53time you do too you're going to make a mistake here,
22:57no one asked to observe anything
23:00so as if how can you observe man
23:03but no one asked to observe anything the
23:07text is not about that so why are
23:09you talking about observation it
23:10doesn't make sense it doesn't make the text
23:13more cohesive in In the face of this scenario, there
23:18is no this relationship of
23:22cause and consequence So it is not
23:25because of the previous scenario that the
23:28good thing exists So this relationship between
23:31ideas does not exist so this
23:35expression in the face of this scenario is
23:37leaving any relationship between these
23:39paragraphs incorrect and it's not
23:42necessary, you know, it's not necessary
23:45anyway, people, this is a time that
23:48no one uses, maybe Machado de Assis
23:51used it, you know, in past centuries,
23:55people maybe used highlighting,
23:57nowadays, nobody writes that kind of
23:59expression. So what are you going to do?
24:00put a part of this in your writing the
24:03language It also needs to be all
24:06Cohesive coherent, you know, so if you're
24:09writing a whole text with a
24:11current modern language, you just
24:13highlight it for a moment, man, what's the
24:17point, no one uses that nowadays No,
24:20it doesn't make your writing more beautiful, it does
24:22n't make your paragraph more cohesive, it doesn't
24:25make any sense, what does it mean, you
24:30know, don't use simple language,
24:34simple language, start your paragraphs directly by
24:38saying directly what you need to
24:40say, if you need to
24:43punctuate the relationship between the paragraphs
24:45you use conjunctions, you know, there are
24:49additive explanatory
24:52adversative conjunctions And so on, the conjunctions,
24:55they are short, they make it very clear the
24:58relationship you want to attribute between the
25:01ideas between the paragraphs and they
25:03work more correctly now here I
25:05didn't need it here, look at how you can
25:09see that the ideal would be, as you can
25:11see, it would be better, there
25:15is no need, there is no need,
25:17he could have just started one of the
25:21projects, the one for social inclusion, which has a
25:25comma, it takes place in the PMDF through
25:29equine therapy,
25:30ok, you
25:33can start straight away, you don't need a
25:36cohesion element here in the introduction,
25:38incorrectly according to what the topic
25:41asked for, we'll get to that in a little while,
25:42he promised the person promised that he
25:45would talk about preservation,
25:47social inclusion, preservation, violence and the
25:49fight against drugs Okay, so we're about to
25:52talk about social inclusion, he's going to
25:55this project of equine therapy So it
25:59starts straight away, through a project
26:01on social inclusion, preventing
26:03violence and combating drugs, it
26:05contributes to the maintenance of
26:07Public Safety, one of the social inclusion projects
26:09takes place in the PMDF through
26:13ecotherapy developed from ecotherapy
26:16here we you can make a final point and
26:19bring it here ó developing since the
26:26developed since the 90s it
26:28is located in the city of Riacho Fundo
26:32and aims for its part to integrate people
26:35with disabilities and operatively brings
26:39the population closer to the police in the region here
26:42ó no keep doing this type of
26:45intervention, putting the term between
26:49commas here so you can give this pause
26:51so you can I don't even know what the
26:54objective was here but normally the objective
26:56is to highlight things, it's to draw
27:00don't do that because why do you leave the
27:03sentences very long and it doesn't make
27:05any difference, even paragraphs with
27:08long sentences are not usually interesting,
27:10like this paragraph here, it only has one
27:20means it's too long. period, ideally
27:23your paragraphs should have at least
27:25two full stops, so here the
27:27paragraph has six lines, more or
27:29less, this paragraph should have at
27:32least one full stop in the middle of this
27:34whole story, but ideally it should
27:36have three so that you mark the topic
27:40sentence, mark the justification for this
27:43topic and mark the connection between what you
27:46wrote and what the topic asked for, so the
27:48ideal is for you to mark At what point
27:50each part of the paragraphs begins and
27:53when you don't do this, your text becomes
27:55very tangled And then you start to make mistakes
27:57punctuation you start to make mistakes cohesion you start to make
28:01mistakes coherence you start to make a lot
28:04of things wrong because you're missing a period, you
28:06know, in your text So don't give that kind
28:09of hesitation, I have 57 people here
28:1234 likes are missing like Let's like Have
28:15you already called your friends to watch
28:17this Live, there's still a lot of
28:19good content, hey, you can call people, give likes
28:22just like likes
28:25So let's go,
28:28here it's the same thing on line 17 where it's
28:31common for needy or vulnerable people and
28:34that way the project seeks to rescue
28:37children and young people from the region through football.
28:40So here again, my son
28:44knocking on the door today, he didn't go to
28:46school, soon we're going to travel,
28:47so he's here hallucinating, then, ok
28:52again, ok that we don't use
28:54we put it through beauty
28:57is the and this one here is here
29:03on line 21 there is a comma missing
29:08you shouldn't put a colon dash
29:14none of that in your writing semicolon
29:17none of that in your writing
29:19is punctuate a your writing with
29:23commas and full stops you will
29:27put quotation marks when you use write a
29:29word in another language and parentheses just
29:32to present acronyms Ok
29:35don't use anything else don't use anything else
29:37because because it doesn't fit in the writing in the
29:41writing this creation of expectations doesn't fit
29:43this list of items that
29:45would justify
29:47the insertion here of
29:51one of two points, understand, so
29:55you're going to make your approach to
30:00your presentation of information in a
30:03completely direct way, you're already
30:07doing it straight, understand, don't keep
30:10inventing fashions so that you have a
30:13problem In your newsrooms, they don't
30:16invent fashion, they don't invent it, you know, do the
30:19parade as it should be,
30:22understand, don't invent fashion here,
30:26let me read the sentence again here, it does
30:30have a partnership with the Ministry of
30:32Justice, comma, the project called
30:34provide, which means here there is another
30:38comma that means prevention
30:40oriented domestic and family violence it
30:43doesn't make sense to put
30:47these two points here it is
30:50completely out of context here it
30:54is so don't use it again so that you
30:57don't have to master the rule but be
31:00worried about the rule about knowing the rule
31:02of all the punctuations man, do it like this,
31:05your paragraphs have to have at least
31:07two full stops, at least two,
31:11ideally they should have three to five,
31:12three is fine,
31:16you just have to learn the rules of
31:19commas because full stops are kind of obvious.
31:22the use of parentheses I already said when
31:25you use quotation marks too, so just go to
31:27grammar and learn how to use commas it
31:29saves space in your head so
31:32you can memorize and learn
31:34Administrative Law, you know, no, it doesn't take up the
31:37HD memory in your mind with things
31:41you don't You need to, so don't invent fashion
31:43because it's much easier for you to
31:45write, okay here on line 27, there's
31:49still a crase missing here on 28.
31:53Domestic violence here we go, let
31:56me read the whole sentence, excellent
31:58collaboration and the rescue
32:00of these young people and children from
32:03different communities are
32:07not and the rescue of young people and children
32:13from different communities, in addition to reducing
32:17domestic violence, in addition to reducing
32:19domestic violence, there would have to be an
32:21end point. Empire, this one, this
32:24way, the PMDF is here again with its
32:27projects. It's clear
32:30that all of this isn't necessary here, it
32:32could come straight here, in this
32:35way the PMDF
32:41contributes in an important way, in a
32:43relevant way, to
32:45public safety for the maintenance of Public Security.
32:52- here on line
32:5610, located in the City of Rio Fundo
32:59and aims to integrate people with disabilities,
33:04in addition to bringing the population closer to the
33:06police in the region, none of these
33:09expressions here are necessary and Visa on
33:11your part and synthetically no, no,
33:15here you are
33:16complicating the life unnecessarily, that
33:20's the reality, okay, so you don't do
33:22this kind of thing,
33:23calmly, so far, so far, so
33:28calmly, let's now move on
33:30to analyzing the approach to the topic, okay, let's
33:34find out if he was able to answer
33:38what the panel asked for correctly,
33:40calmly, anyway. If you have any doubts that you
33:43want to clarify here,
33:45I look like her and from The Last of Us.
33:48Then I'll see, I haven't watched this
33:50series yet. There are
33:53a lot of teachings in this correction.
34:02look at the comments,
34:04let's do the content analysis,
34:07what the topic wanted to be
34:10delivered in this essay, how the
34:13social projects carried out by the PMDF can
34:16contribute to maintaining
34:19banking security, in the motivating text you already cited
34:24examples of projects and explained how
34:27these Projects work when the
34:30panel gives you something in the
34:32motivating text What is she trying to tell you?
34:35This is what I already gave it to you. There's no
34:38need to repeat this in your
34:46that the topic is asking,
34:48so pay attention to this because if
34:52she already cited the example of the good ball in the
34:58she cited two projects here, right, so the
35:02visit to the battalion The good ball and so
35:05on, she's clear here for you
35:08that That's not what you're going to have to
35:12talk about,
35:21she didn't ask for examples of other projects.
35:30complete escape or just the tangency of the
35:33topic, what will determine this if,
35:35despite having
35:38presented examples of projects, which
35:41was not supposed to be done because the panel already
35:44did this in the motivating text, if despite
35:48having done this, the candidate
35:51writer explained how these projects
35:55contributes to the maintenance of
35:57Public Security So that's what we're going to
35:59analyze in this essay Okay, so
36:02starting the essay like this is already a mistake, there's a
36:05lot of discussion about public security
36:09these days, that's it, it doesn't add
36:13anything to the
36:15debate, nothing, nothing, this isn't a text
36:19about discussion about
36:23public security at no time does the topic talk
36:27about discussion about public security
36:30how do you start an essay an
36:34introduction the first sentence of your
36:37introduction it has to contextualize the
36:40topic how does this contextualization happen
36:42you can present a concept then
36:46here he could explain what
36:48public security is Ok or what
36:52social projects are ok you could focus on that
36:55explaining that ok
36:58or you could present
37:01statistical data regarding the central topic
37:03So what are the violence rates
37:06in Brazil do you know or you You can also
37:09present a fact about the subject
37:14Central to the essay, so a fact about
37:16public security But you have to
37:18be a relevant fact, people
37:21discuss public security a lot
37:22these days
37:25No, it's nothing, this is not
37:27useful information and in your essay you
37:30Don't occupy the line with information that doesn't
37:32add anything because because your
37:35text is a coherent whole,
37:37everything in it needs to contribute to
37:40enhancing your debate and when you
37:43add information that doesn't make
37:44any difference you are not
37:46enhancing your debate Ok then
37:51Again, I teach this in the
37:53intelligent skeletons of the paragraphs, it's just that there's
37:55no point in buying the
37:57intelligent skeleton of the paragraph and not executing it
37:59because when you send an essay
38:01to be corrected, I'll kick your ass
38:03mercilessly because dude, you're not applying much, you
38:06can apply the method, you can do it write
38:09excellent essays those who don't apply
38:11because they don't know it click on the link out
38:14there and sign up to find out now
38:16those who already have it aren't applying, hey,
38:21you're wasting my time, right? I don't know
38:25if this person has the course, okay, I'm
38:27just saying that In general, man,
38:31it's simple, you
38:33know, public security,
38:35Brazil faces
38:39public security problems because the rates of
38:41violence in the country keep growing,
38:43that's a relevant fact about
38:46public security, right, it
38:49's another fact about
38:51public security that is relevant.
38:56Let me see here
39:00studies demonstrate that social projects
39:04carried out by the State through the
39:06police have reduced the rates of
39:10violence in needy communities.
39:32little while ago, so it's like this, my mother with my
39:35son, my father-in-law arriving to take
39:37us to the airport, so
39:39you understand that the police are
39:45so, you have to be useful, you can't
39:48waste time with nonsense, okay, here,
39:53let me mark this here also
39:55If it started like this it would be less worse the
39:58military police of the Federal District is
40:01a great one, it
40:02's not supporting
40:06right now I forgot the term
40:10the military police of the Federal District
40:12PMDF is a major protagonist in the defense of
40:15public security in the defense of
40:18public security in the state point
40:21through of social projects she has
40:25contributed to the maintenance of
40:27Public Security because here, as
40:31he wants, as you would need to explain
40:34how social projects carried out in
40:38communities reduce
40:40Public Security rates, so here, none
40:43of this here is relevant through
40:46social projects,
40:52she has contributed
40:58trelelê trelelê trelelê ok
41:02here he asked How to contribute he didn't
41:05ask for examples of social projects So we
41:08have to talk about how
41:10they have contributed to the maintenance of
41:13Public Security by
41:15offering alternatives
41:18to young people that are not crime and by
41:22creating in their lives new perspectives
41:24for the future, for example, you know, that's
41:28why violence decreases because a
41:31young person when he's playing football, he's
41:33not on the street doing drugs, committing
41:36theft, you know, why a young person, when he's in
41:39a social music project,
41:41even if he doesn't like it of studying he
41:44is learning something that can be
41:46useful for his career he can
41:48become a professional musician so he
41:50won't become a
41:51professional criminal he will become a
41:53professional musician there's no problem we
41:56have to stop in Brazilian society
41:58wanting to stay fighting against facts, you know
42:00what is a fact
42:02What is the Brazilian public? It is
42:04extremely deficient, it
42:07is extremely boring, it is considered boring
42:10by young people.
42:16make him
42:18close his eyes to this, but these
42:20boys couldn't be leaving the
42:22boring school, man, the fact is that
42:25when they leave, they have somewhere to
42:27go or crime embraces you, you know, crime welcomes you
42:31with open arms Hey, my friend, come here,
42:34you You're out of boring school, come here and I
42:37'll hug you, you know, so we
42:39need to start getting real School
42:41is boring, these kids have nowhere to
42:43go, so there has to be a social project for
42:46these kids to have somewhere
42:49And while there are these social projects
42:52are quicker things to
42:54implement, you have to fix the school
42:55so it stops being boring because
42:57no one wants to stay in a boring place, you
43:00know, so we start to have
43:02this awareness about things,
43:04beauty, so
43:06all these topics here are off topic
43:11because because in all three of them they don't
43:15explain how it helps, he just cites again
43:18examples of social projects, well,
43:21one of the projects is social education in the
43:24PMDF, right, ecotherapy, bbbb, okay, but how does he
43:28do it, how does this project contribute to
43:31maintaining Public Security, there
43:33's none information regarding
43:36this, so this project here is not
43:38worth a grade because they cite an example
43:41but it does not explain how this
43:44paragraph here is very problematic
43:46because because it repeats
43:50an argument an example that has already been
43:54cited by the panel in the motivating text
43:56Guys, don't you you can do this, never,
43:58never, the motivating text is not there
44:03for you to give you an argument as a
44:07gift, is it not there for you
44:10to have a reference of the types of
44:13projects so what could he have
44:15done here is a project like the good
44:20football contributes to maintaining
44:24Public Security by allowing
44:27students to have somewhere to go when they
44:30are not at school and using football
44:33as an alternative to entering the world
44:35of crime, the sport in addition to generating
44:39discipline and making students
44:41have sense of collaboration with
44:43each other stronger it also contributes
44:46to the children having a
44:49future perspective they can learn there that
44:53they can work with football as a
44:55coach as a judge as a linesman as a
44:59professional player and open up to a
45:02career possibility, understand they
45:05are less to overcome crime, if he
45:08had cited the
45:10project in this vein, the paragraph would be
45:15correct now here as it is,
45:18not because because this paragraph
45:21says exactly the same thing that the
45:23panel already said, okay Ah, but it's not
45:25exactly the same, the essence is the That's what
45:28I need you to understand,
45:29here's the same thing, it says
45:33that there is a project against
45:35domestic violence but it doesn't explain how it
45:39reduces the rates of
45:41domestic violence. Okay, so it doesn't work, ok, the
45:47conclusion is in this case of this text.
45:52It could be a conclusion for a
45:56solution proposal and a good
45:58solution proposal could be the identification
46:02of the biggest problems that generate
46:05violence in the regions and the creation of
46:09more social projects increasingly
46:11focused on this type of issue to
46:13resolve this type of issue, okay And
46:16here are the projects PMDF social groups
46:18demonstrate that
46:32this is the conclusion, its structure
46:35is not so bad but it also only has one
46:38ending point, so this is something
46:39that needs to be corrected in this essay,
46:41the essays, the paragraphs cannot have
46:44just one ending point and the conclusion is there are
46:47two possible structures OK, it could
46:50be what we call here in the fishing method the
46:54moral conclusion of the story, which is when
46:57you demonstrate what was possible to
46:58learn from your debate and it can be
47:01a conclusion of the type
47:03solution proposal, which is when you,
47:05after analyzing a problem that needs to
47:08be solved, propose solutions to this
47:11problem this text this introduction this
47:14conclusion here it follows more the
47:17moral model of the story but that
47:21is what it would be a good conclusion if the theme
47:25was within what the panel asked for,
47:28how come? The conclusion is obviously
47:31also going to deviate from what was requested
47:33Ok, this essay here
47:36could be canceled by the panel because it
47:40doesn't deliver what was requested, so at
47:43no point is it explained how
47:46social projects can
47:49contribute to the maintenance of
47:52Public Security, okay then it isn't objective Ok,
47:56so it could be reset if it
47:59weren't reset, if it weren't because the
48:02panel could also
48:05consider these last parts here,
48:12the project seeks to rescue
48:15children and young people from the peripheral region through football,
48:17so maybe it would consider
48:20this here as a As you know to give you a little
48:24help, right?
48:41I approached it
48:46knowing that I was doing it in a
48:48well-justified way. How the crisis teaches
48:51intelligence to skeletons,
48:55law and that leaves the grade very low,
48:58so if it wasn't zeroed, it would be an
49:01essay that I would take there depending on the
49:04grade, right,
49:06at most 10% of the content grade and then the
49:11grade would be related to the other
49:16criteria, right, the writing is well
49:18structured, it has an introduction, three
49:21developments and a conclusion, the
49:23structure is correct, there are many
49:26grammatical errors, it is average, so I wouldn't
49:29eliminate the grammatical error criteria,
49:31but the approach part of the
49:34topic would be very low, ok Because
49:37of these issues that I mentioned
49:40here with you, I still have a few
49:43minutes if you want to ask
49:45me questions, now is the time, let me
49:49pull you here so I can read
49:54what you wrote, okay, super
49:57direct I really liked the tips Paula, it's
50:00always like that, Paula, you know, there's no point in
50:03sending your essay here waiting for
50:04a hand on your head because a hand on your
50:08head doesn't approve of you, okay, I'm
50:11going to tell you the truth and of course teach you how to
50:15correct it if I just stick it out
50:16without a sign to correct it There's no point either, right?
50:18So you have to know how to teach correcting, if you
50:22need to write the essay for you
50:24to see, you have to know it too
50:25and so on,
50:29I say, Egberto is laughing here at this Tanger
50:33in his theme
50:35golden tips and Elison came out
50:42in the discursive essay at introduction is
50:44mandatory term and feet in order
50:47first theme and second thesis Alexandre
50:49is not mandatory because even you
50:53put a thesis in the essay it will depend on
50:56the positioning, understand if you have to
50:59defend an opinion then yes you already
51:03contextualize the theme and
51:06present thesis that It's the answer that you
51:08're going to defend, right, the opinion that you're going to
51:10defend, now
51:13you're not always going to depend on an opinion.
51:16So this thesis thing isn't always what
51:19you're thinking, you know, because if I'm going to
51:22have to equal the level of
51:24knowledge that you're going to put in here The thesis
51:27in the case of an essay like this is to
51:30reaffirm that social projects
51:33contribute to the maintenance of
51:35Public Security.
51:47is asking you Normally yes,
51:50the focus on the topic is placed in the
51:54second part of the introduction So you
51:56contextualize it, reinforce what the topic asked for
51:59by placing the thesis of your essay, which
52:02is not always you who will choose, you
52:06will only choose the thesis when the
52:09positioning The most important thing is to ask for
52:12your opinion, it's up to you to choose the
52:15thesis, but on other occasions the thesis is the
52:18topic itself because it is already a
52:20statement, he just wants to know how
52:22things work, which was exactly the
52:24case, this essay made sense to you.
52:26this explanation your effort is fantastic you
52:31don't have to apologize
52:34I'm having difficulty with closures and
52:37connectives between them
52:41intelligent skeletons of paragraphs
52:43will help you with this is it because you are
52:46worrying about the cohesive elements
52:48when in fact you have to
52:50worry about knowing what do you
52:52write in each sentence because cohesion
52:55comes naturally to you
52:58when you learn to write
53:01you observe that the cohesive elements
53:05cohesive terms the connection between ideas it
53:07comes naturally to you if you have to
53:10think about which connective I'm going to
53:12use it here because you're
53:14not yet mastering the art of knowing
53:18exactly what to write in each sentence
53:19of each paragraph and that's what you have to
53:22focus on. And that's what I teach in
53:24intelligent skeletons, okay, so if you have
53:26n't yet If you are a student, enter if you are already a
53:28student, attend the classes again and write
53:31the essays, doing exactly what I
53:33teach there.
53:35let me see here, I really want
53:38to see a composition teacher
53:39correcting another teacher's essay, that
53:41would be great. Interestingly, I don't have
53:44essays written by other teachers, this would
53:46probably generate
53:48widespread confusion in the market and people
53:50would be upset, but if you have
53:53an essay written by another teacher and
53:55you want to send it to us, send it on
53:58WhatsApp Who knows, maybe we won't buy into
54:00this fight or No, all of a sudden, it's a
54:03correction of the essay, it's going to be great, which is
54:05probably going to happen, because what
54:07happens, people, it's not just my
54:10method that works, otherwise only
54:12my students would pass, I would be
54:14very happy, very happy if that were the
54:16case, but that's not the case. determines
54:20a person's ability to write
54:23an essay well or not master the technique and
54:26proficiency in the
54:29Portuguese language, so all people who
54:31are proficient in the Portuguese language and
54:34there is a
54:35whole base related to this is
54:39they can take any technique and
54:42adapt it that technique for the topic that
54:45it is in front of Ok so people who are
54:49proficient in the Portuguese language They
54:51have this ability to adapt things
54:54to understand what I am
54:56asking for and to use any technique to
54:59be able to deliver what the topic
55:01asked Ok then
55:0312 % of the Brazilian population is
55:06proficient in the Portuguese language, the
55:09majority of people have not yet reached
55:10this level. What is my objective here
55:12with you, is to reach this level
55:15in the quickest and simplest way
55:20my students through the
55:23fish method taught in
55:25intelligent skeletons because it is a
55:27technique that shows you the logic of the
55:29construction of themes and the construction of
55:32paragraphs, so instead of you looking
55:34back and then everything I studied at the
55:37Portuguese Language School was
55:38insufficient you will say man I'm
55:41facing a method that if I
55:43apply it I can jump here How many
55:47years did you study at school eight years
55:49ahead of My competitors who have never
55:51seen this so while the crowd is
55:53headbanging for more
55:56tips That doesn't work, you're already
55:59faced with a method that, if you
56:02understand and execute it, you will automatically be able to
56:03guarantee above 80% of the
56:07grade in all the essays you write.
56:09So I've been shortening your path,
56:11okay, so that's why you
56:14have people who can do it with any
56:17method and there are people who can't
56:18Because there is a detail here in the level
56:21of proficiency in the Portuguese language,
56:24this is technique, this is study, there is
56:26research on this, okay, I'm not making it up,
56:28no, ok
56:30And then a person who is a teacher has
56:34this Prof level understands, so she
56:36can adapt the techniques, I can
56:38take any technique and any theme and
56:41I can, if I take, for example,
56:43ready-made skeletons with ready-made phrases, I
56:46can even
56:48adapt them to fit the
56:51theme to those who don't have the level. of
56:53proficiency cannot be achieved and it is not just
56:56teachers who have many candidates who already
56:58have this level of proficiency,
56:59normally those who have higher education courses, the
57:03majority of Brazilians with proficiency
57:06in the Portuguese language have higher education courses, that's it,
57:07but not everyone, this
57:10percentage is not that high, it is Let
57:14me see here
57:18Welson is asking if the best course
57:20is the skeletons or the 40-minute essay, they are
57:22different proposals, they
57:24complement each other. The 40-minute essay is a
57:26course that teaches you to write
57:28faster and accumulate knowledge and
57:31arguments so that you always have
57:34what to write in your essays the
57:36intelligent skeletons course it teaches you how to
57:38translate topics it teaches you the
57:41fishing method to translate topics correctly
57:42to understand what the panel wants
57:44you to write and how to construct paragraphs
57:46that are really relevant and that
57:48really deliver what The board is
57:50asking you, ok, should we get
57:53essay topics to practice old exams from the
57:55board, Fabrício, yes, it's the best way for
57:58you to start studying.
58:08without first learning how to write for
58:11your panel's theme structure, so the
58:14best way for you to start studying
58:16old topics is with themes already charged
58:19by the newsstands. Then you do about
58:21four essays with
58:24old themes, then after you've
58:26already learned You're used to it, you already understand the way the
58:29panel formulates its themes, its
58:32statements, then you can start
58:34training with new themes Ok,
58:40Alexandre, I thank you for being here
58:42following this knowledge, beauty, the
58:44last essay I wrote had four
58:46paragraphs Apparently, today I made a
58:48development long, I made some
58:50mistakes that you pointed out, such as the use of
58:52colons, I used an acronym separated by a dash,
58:55Meire, I prefer you to write two
58:59developments with just nine lines each, okay,
59:01I don't really like this structure of
59:04three developments because I think it
59:06runs out of space for you justify
59:09your answer well and connect it with what the topic
59:11asked for, so I suggest you make an
59:13introduction with six lines,
59:16two developments with nine lines
59:18each and a conclusion with six lines, okay,
59:21I think a development with nine
59:23lines allows you to
59:24better justify your argument
59:31here, leave it I see these connective
59:34movements, so they indicate a lot
59:36in courses, dude, complete trip,
59:39trip, don't use it, don't use it because it doesn't make
59:42sense and as I already explained at the
59:44beginning of the class, I understood the
59:46suggested proposal of correcting another
59:47teacher's essay because I've also seen other
59:49teachers saying that, most importantly, it's
59:51good for you to use it,
59:53people will renew you, they won't
59:57fail you, your writing gets better, it
01:00:00doesn't get better either, so it doesn't even smell
01:00:03better, you follow a more
01:00:05modern language, it's simpler
01:00:09Heloísa acquired both courses, they are
01:00:11excellent, I wish I had found the one
01:00:12writing workshop before praising I
01:00:14believe that everything happens at the right time
01:00:16This is your moment from now on it's
01:00:18another story apply Anything
01:00:20asks for help we're together we
01:00:22each say something and the student
01:00:24Lost the thing is to get the tips that
01:00:27best suits your style
01:00:28exactly Gilvan and the tips that will
01:00:30get you approved, right so man
01:00:33I like writing like that and I'm taking
01:00:36the tests and I'm getting good grades
01:00:38So that's it, everything's fine, you know,
01:00:40now I'm more lost with this
01:00:43technique than with s So you go for the
01:00:45technique that leaves you less lost, okay?
01:00:47That's great because you have the freedom
01:00:50to choose what suits you best
01:00:52And then, ideally, it's logical that you follow a
01:00:55method that has a better chance of making you
01:00:56mine is approved, I guarantee it is because it
01:00:59is applied and guarantees 80% of the grade, it
01:01:02was designed for this and it has already been
01:01:04tested with hundreds of thousands of
01:01:06students, okay,
01:01:07so I guarantee you that it will
01:01:10work Because you write an
01:01:12objective, clean, well-justified essay
01:01:15Right, it was designed for this with
01:01:21how to define these current themes to
01:01:25I really like using the bank's own website
01:01:30to be able to formulate the themes And then
01:01:33the ideal is for you to formulate your themes
01:01:35following the same structure that the bank
01:01:38usually follows in time to put together
01:01:41her themes I'm going to start making some
01:01:43theme books to sell to
01:01:45you for cheap here at the
01:01:47writing workshop I haven't done it yet due to lack of
01:01:49time but it's a project I want to
01:01:50develop here because I know it helps
01:01:52you a lot just So I'm going to do the
01:01:55themes following the correct structure, right, I'm
01:01:57not going to leave you loose, how long
01:02:00will access to your courses be available,
01:02:01my courses all have
01:02:03lifetime access, okay, I hate buying things and
01:02:06losing them, so I don't sell things for
01:02:07you to lose either Cleide saying
01:02:10that I'm wonderful, thank you very much,
01:02:14I'm not going to be an ocp broker because
01:02:17there I have to follow their rules,
01:02:19here I'm teaching you how to
01:02:21go over the ocp, how to
01:02:24write your essays in a way that makes it impossible for them
01:02:27to be penalized by you losing
01:02:29points, it's impossible, impossible, Vanessa,
01:02:32you're wonderful, it's a shame that you don't buy
01:02:33your courses before you buy them at the
01:02:35right time, you'll realize that, good guys, that's it, thank you
01:02:37very much, I'm going to pick up
01:02:40my pocket, I'm not going to miss my plane,
01:02:41stay with God and watch this class
01:02:44as many times as you If you want and
01:02:45share it with friends, feel
01:02:48free if you join the course,
01:02:51we'll meet
01:02:53you next door kisses bye bye
Chat with video

FAQs about This YouTube Video

1. What is the focus of the live writing correction session in this video?

The focus of the live writing correction session in this video is on an argumentative essay about social projects and public safety. The instructor provides tips on grammar and content analysis, emphasizing the importance of explaining how social projects contribute to maintaining public safety.

2. How does the instructor describe the essay's delivery of the requested content?

The instructor describes the essay as falling short of delivering the requested content, and offers guidance on improving structure and approach.

3. What is the significance of explaining how social projects contribute to maintaining public safety?

Explaining how social projects contribute to maintaining public safety is significant as it highlights the crucial role of social projects in ensuring public safety and emphasizes their impact on the community.

4. What are the key areas in which the instructor provides tips during the session?

The instructor provides tips on grammar, content analysis, and structuring the argumentative essay to effectively convey the relationship between social projects and public safety.

5. How does the instructor guide the improvement of the essay's structure and approach?

The instructor guides the improvement of the essay's structure and approach by offering specific advice on enhancing the explanation of how social projects contribute to maintaining public safety and by providing insights on strengthening the overall content.

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