Monica
💫 Summary
Dismissive avoidants usually don't come back after a breakup unless they have enough time to start longing for their ex, but they tend to keep their distance and prefer the idea of a "phantom ex" rather than a real relationship. Understanding the phases of separation elation, depressive episode, and longing can help predict when and if a dismissive avoidant might come back. They are more comfortable silently longing for their ex from afar rather than initiating contact.
✨ Highlights📊 Transcript
Dismissive avoidants usually don't come back after a breakup unless they start longing for the person, but even then, they tend to admire from a distance.
00:00
Dismissive avoidants are fiercely protective of their independence and will leave a relationship if it threatens their independence.
They go through a relationship wheel of death with eight stages, including wanting someone to love them, noticing worrying things about the person, contemplating leaving, and eventually leaving.
After the breakup, they may experience separation elation, a depressive episode, a longing episode, and finally the phantom ex category.
Dismissive avoidants go through three phases after a breakup: separation elation, depressive episode, and longing episode.
02:00
Dismissive avoidants initially feel relief and regain their self-identity after a breakup.
They don't tend to show anxiety or distress and may not miss their partners initially.
Many people don't give dismissive avoidants the time and space to go through these phases, which is why the no contact rule is important.
Dismissive avoidants may experience a period of relief after a breakup, known as separation elation, where they feel a sense of freedom and relief from the relationship.
04:01
The person in the video shares their personal experience of feeling relieved and happier after breaking up with their partner.
Dismissive avoidants may not realize their need for a deeper connection until their partner leaves or loses interest.
Following separation elation, dismissive avoidants may enter a depressive episode, feeling numb, disconnected, and searching for a safe and secure attachment.
The video mentions the concept of causality, explaining how one event leads to another in a cause and effect sequence.
Dismissive avoidants go through a cycle of separation elation, depression, and longing before considering missing their ex.
06:01
Separation elation is when they feel happy and independent after the breakup.
Depression sets in when they realize they might end up alone.
Longing occurs when they feel safe but lonely and need to believe that you have moved on from them.
Dismissive avoidants prefer phantom exes over real ones because they want love but keep others at a distance.
Dismissive avoidants rarely initiate contact or reunite with their exes due to feelings of vulnerability and discomfort, but there are exceptions.
08:02
Dismissive avoidants don't typically initiate contact with their exes and avoid reuniting due to feelings of vulnerability.
They often feel unsure about how to fix things and may prefer to keep their distance.
Fearful avoidants, on the other hand, are easier to communicate with post-breakup due to their anxious side.
Dismissive avoidants may come back emotionally but in a quieter manner, so it's important to read the silence.
00:00[Music]
00:02today we're going to talk about how
00:04often dismissive avoidance come back
00:07after they go through a breakup
00:08now interestingly there are a lot of
00:10resources out there talking about this
00:12unfortunately
00:14almost all of them focus on exes in
00:17general and fail to take into account
00:18the nuanced approach of dismissive
00:21avoidance in and of themselves in my
00:24opinion dismissive avoidance usually
00:26won't come back to you unless they're
00:29given enough time to begin
00:31longing for you and even then they tend
00:33to like fawning after you from afar so
00:36most people don't ever think their
00:38dismissal avoidant x wants them back
00:40because there are no big signs that are
00:42readily available today though i'm going
00:45to show you exactly what the experience
00:47is like in that post-breakup period for
00:49dismissive avoidant starting with the
00:51following i'm going to help you
00:52familiarize yourself with the
00:54relationship wheel of death that a
00:55dismissive avoidant goes through we're
00:57going to talk about the separation
00:59elation factor the depressive episode
01:01the longing episode and finally the
01:04phantom x category let's begin
01:07so everything
01:09runs through the relationship death
01:10wheel for an avoidant someone who has
01:12dismissive avoidant tendencies is
01:14usually fiercely protective of their own
01:16independence so if they enter into a
01:18relationship where that independence
01:20gets threatened they usually do
01:22everything they can to keep that
01:24independence which usually involves
01:26leaving a relationship
01:28now every dismissive avoidant is caught
01:30in the same relationship wheel of death
01:32they can't ever seem to escape of which
01:35there are eight main stages number one
01:37is they start out wanting someone to
01:38love them then they think they've found
01:41someone who is this person that's going
01:43to love them then they start to notice
01:45some worrying things about this person
01:47usually any type of insecure attachment
01:49behaviors from the other person they
01:52start contemplating leaving they decide
01:54to actually leave they're left
01:57happy with the fact that they left
01:58they're just ecstatic over the moon
02:00about it
02:01then the loneliness kicks in and then
02:03finally they feel sad that they can't
02:05ever seem to find the right person and
02:07they continue this journey going around
02:09and around in a circle either with you
02:11on an on-again off-again relationship or
02:13with someone else like a rebound or a
02:15new relationship the point is the wheel
02:17is inescapable for them it goes around
02:19and around crushing old and new
02:21relationships liked if you really think
02:23about it there are three main phases
02:24that occur in a post-breakup time period
02:27for a dismissive avoidance there's the
02:28separation elation period there's the
02:30depressive episode period and then
02:32there's the longing episode now each of
02:35these are integral to understanding how
02:37an avoidant operates and when they're
02:39likely to come back now before i jump
02:42into the three phases i'd like to put
02:44forth an idea one of the reasons that
02:47it's so hard to explain how often
02:48dismissive avoidance come back is
02:50because they need to experience these
02:52three phases in order
02:55to feel like they want to come back
02:57unfortunately many of our clients don't
02:59ever give them time and space to
03:01experience those stages because they
03:03lack the emotional control necessary for
03:05such a function it's the very reason
03:07that the no contact rule is such an
03:09essential strategy but enough chit chat
03:11let's dive deeper let's talk about
03:13understanding the separation elation
03:15period so for reference that's stage
03:17number six on the wheel of death the i'm
03:19so happy i left now one of the best
03:21resources on avoidance out there that
03:23i've been able to find is this really
03:25gem small gem of a website that only
03:28hyper focuses on avoidance and it's
03:30called freedoattach.com now
03:32freedoatch.com says that after a
03:34relationship ends people with an
03:36avoidant attachment style tend not to
03:38show much anxiety or distress
03:41often feeling an initial sense of relief
03:44at the relinquishing of obligations
03:47in the sense that they're
03:48regaining their self-identity
03:51and not tending to initially miss their
03:53partners this is separation elation as
03:56the pressure to connect is gone being
03:58dismissed to avoid it myself i thought
04:01i'd add my own personal experience of
04:03this separation elation in college i
04:05dated a girl for about nine months and
04:07broke up with her very suddenly now i
04:10think weirdly enough this had more to do
04:12with my own insecurities rather than
04:14sort of a loss of independence
04:16i just didn't like the person i was
04:17becoming and was tired of fighting like
04:20every single day was an argument so like
04:22with all relationships that you want to
04:24work when you're in the midst of them
04:26you convince yourself that this is it
04:28this is going to be the one yet
04:30strangely after the relationship
04:32devolved into nothing but arguments and
04:34name calling i couldn't take it anymore
04:36and i broke up with her now the relief i
04:38felt immediately afterwards was
04:41indescribable
04:42it felt like i could smile again for the
04:44first time in months like this pressure
04:46was lifted off of my shoulders this was
04:49the initial separation elation kicking
04:52in finally it's just me again i don't
04:55have the pressure of worrying about
04:57someone else i just had to worry about
04:59little old me of course like all
05:01dismissive avoidance you get caught up
05:02in the separation elation which leaves
05:04you unprepared for what happens next
05:06which is the depressive episode period
05:09once again pulling from free to attach
05:11dismissive avoidance can often have a
05:14depressive episode from two to four
05:15months after a breakup manifested in
05:18feeling numb disconnected and
05:19meaningless which they may try to
05:21repress
05:22everybody needs a deeper connection but
05:25often avoidance don't recognize they
05:27need their partners until the partner
05:28actually loses interest and leaves
05:31through separation divorce death illness
05:33or something else then when they finally
05:36realize nobody is quote unquote in the
05:38house
05:39that's when the crisis hits it's then
05:42that a very deep depression can happen
05:44because they actually want a connection
05:46and ultimately they want a safe secure
05:48attachment like anybody else
05:51now are you familiar with the concept of
05:52causality essentially a fancy way of
05:54referring to cause and effect this
05:56happens which causes b to happen which
05:58causes c to happen so on and so forth
06:01you need to understand the cause and
06:02effect that gets them lost to the mental
06:05state where they even start considering
06:06it first comes the separation elation
06:08where they're so happy they've reclaimed
06:10their independence it's great they're
06:11happy not to have to worry about you
06:13anymore next comes the depression the
06:15realization that they might end up alone
06:18which is something that they don't want
06:19deep down this puts them in the perfect
06:22state of mind for longing which is our
06:25next thing that we're going to talk
06:26about the longing episode uh i think it
06:28was last year i did a video
06:30on my youtube channel called how to make
06:32it avoid it next miss you turned out to
06:34be one of my most popular videos
06:36and i really talk about what conditions
06:39need to be present in order for an
06:40avoidant to even consider missing you
06:42now avoidance typically long for an ex
06:44when they encounter the paradox feeling
06:47of feeling safe but at the same time
06:48they grow lonely they also need to feel
06:50like you have moved on from them
06:52remember avoidance get freaked out by
06:54losing their independence so if you are
06:56constantly trying to win them back or
06:58blowing up their phone trying to fix the
07:00relationship you'll end up extending the
07:02separation elation period for them
07:04you're essentially reminding them of why
07:06they broke up with you in the first
07:08place nevertheless if you do give them
07:10enough time and they enter this longing
07:13stage this is often where you're most
07:16likely to get them back
07:17but don't expect them to reach out and
07:20ask for you back remember avoidance
07:22prefer phantom x's over real ones now
07:24what is the phantom x well if you want a
07:26deeper understanding of the phantom x i
07:28recommend you read some of the articles
07:29i've written on my website or simply
07:31watch the video i did a couple weeks ago
07:33on the phantom x syndrome essentially
07:34though the most important concept for us
07:36to understand is the paradox that lies
07:38at the heart of every avoidant see the
07:40dismissive avoidance wants someone to
07:42love them fiercely but at the same time
07:44they don't let anyone close enough to
07:46give them that love
07:48you can start to see why a phantom x
07:50that they can selectively remember the
07:52good times with but they don't actually
07:54have to commit to is preferable it's a
07:56relationship that they can kind of bask
07:58in the memory of the connection but not
08:00get close enough to get hurt this is
08:02often why we don't see avoidance
08:04reaching out during a no contact rule
08:06and free to attach backs this up as well
08:08often avoidance won't initiate contact
08:10with their exes and they rarely
08:12unilaterally initiate reuniting because
08:15it creates the uncomfortable feelings of
08:17vulnerability and they can often feel
08:19that they don't know how to go about
08:21fixing things in other words even if
08:23they go through the process where
08:25they're remembering you fondly don't
08:26expect them to try to reach out and try
08:28to get you back
08:29if anything
08:31you will still have to do the work if
08:32you want that to occur
08:34that doesn't mean they won't reach out
08:36there are exceptions to every rule and a
08:38lot of times our clients show me times
08:40where the dismissive avoidant reaches
08:41out to them to prove me wrong only when
08:44you look a little bit deeper their ex is
08:47actually a fearful avoidant and one of
08:48the things that separates a dismissive
08:50avoidant and a fearful avoidant is the
08:52singular fact right here dismissive
08:55avoidance are a lot tougher to
08:57communicate with post-breakup because
08:59they're most likely avoided they don't
09:01want to communicate they want to long
09:03from you from afar now fearful avoidance
09:05on the other hand are a lot easier to
09:06communicate with post breakup not to say
09:08that your communication with them will
09:10go all that great but they have an
09:12anxious side that can sometimes take
09:14hold and cause them to engage with you
09:16it's an easier thing to get their
09:18attention as opposed to the dismissive
09:20avoidance who's actively trying to
09:22ignore you so coming back to the
09:24original question on how often
09:26dismissive avoidance come back it's been
09:29my opinion that they often don't come
09:31back on their own accord they're a lot
09:34more comfortable putting you in a box as
09:36a phantom x that they can fawn over from
09:38afar however that doesn't mean they
09:41don't reach a place emotionally where
09:42they're susceptible to coming back they
09:44do it's just quieter
09:46luckily for you you now know how to read
09:50the silence
09:59[Music]
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FAQs about This YouTube Video

1. How does a dismissive avoidant behave after a breakup?

Dismissive avoidants usually don't come back after a breakup unless they have enough time to start longing for their ex. They tend to keep their distance and prefer the idea of a 'phantom ex' rather than a real relationship.

2. What are the phases of separation that can predict a dismissive avoidant's return?

Understanding the phases of separation elation, depressive episode, and longing can help predict when and if a dismissive avoidant might come back.

3. How do dismissive avoidants handle contact with their ex?

Dismissive avoidants are more comfortable silently longing for their ex from afar rather than initiating contact.

4. Do dismissive avoidants prefer a 'phantom ex' over a real relationship?

Yes, dismissive avoidants tend to keep their distance and prefer the idea of a 'phantom ex' rather than a real relationship.

5. What might make a dismissive avoidant come back after a breakup?

Dismissive avoidants might come back if they have enough time to start longing for their ex. However, they tend to keep their distance and prioritize silent longing over initiating contact.

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