Monica
💫 Summary
Narcissistic individuals use money as a tool of control and manipulation in relationships, exhibiting financial hypocrisy and double standards. They appear generous but can become stingy, refusing to prioritize basic needs or share finances. Borrowing or lending money with narcissists is risky and often leads to manipulation, humiliation, and a sense of being indebted.
✨ Highlights📊 Transcript
✦
Narcissistic individuals use money as a tool of control and punishment in relationships, exhibiting financial hypocrisy and double standards.
00:00
Money is a source of power and validation for narcissistic people.
They use money to control, punish, and coerce others.
Narcissistic individuals shame others for spending money on themselves while freely spending on themselves.
Financial hypocrisy and double standards are common in narcissistic relationships.
✦
Narcissistic individuals with control over money prioritize their own desires and disregard the needs of others in the relationship or family.
05:27
Shared finances and collaborative decision-making are at odds with what the narcissistic person wants.
They label others' spending as selfish or stupid, while prioritizing their own egocentric needs.
Narcissistic parents may prioritize personal luxuries over creating better opportunities for their children.
They have a self-righteous attitude towards money, making no compromises and criticizing others' spending.
Waiting for their approval or compromise is futile, as they prioritize their own desires above all else.
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Narcissists become sullen and passive-aggressive if they don't receive enough gratitude for their generosity, and they often ruminate about being taken advantage of.
16:29
They use money to control social interactions and resent the idea that people spend time with them because of their money.
Narcissists may engage in transactional relationships, where they provide resources to attract a younger partner, but they resent the amount they have to spend.
Stinginess is also a common trait among narcissists.
✦
Narcissists may feel entitled to your money and are unlikely to pay it back, often manipulating you into thinking they did you a favor by borrowing it.
22:01
Narcissistic people may have a sense of entitlement to your money.
They may manipulate and gaslight you, making you doubt that they owe you the money.
Narcissists may borrow money to maintain appearances or to fund grandiose ideas.
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When dealing with narcissistic people and money, it is best to avoid lending or borrowing.
27:31
Never expect money you lend to be paid back.
Be prepared to lose any money you lend to a narcissistic person.
Narcissistic people may humiliate, degrade, or make gross suggestions if you try to borrow money from them.
Money and narcissistic people never mix well in any relationship.
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Narcissists can be verbally abusive and may use money as a manipulation tactic.
33:02
They may make you feel like you owe them for the things they've done for you.
Their cheapness can manifest in various ways and can be a reflection of their entitlement.
Narcissistic individuals often make more money than their partners and have greater career success.
00:00in the long term you are in big trouble
00:02money is power and in a narcissistic
00:06relationship power is abused and this
00:09money will absolutely be a tool of
00:12control punishment and coercion
00:22today we're going to talk a little bit
00:23about the narcissistic person's
00:25hypocrisy about money
00:28now the entire goal of this series is
00:30really to get to the core of some of the
00:31really complicated issues around money
00:33with narcissistic people because money
00:36is such a source of power and validation
00:38as you can imagine it can really become
00:40an uncomfortable space with narcissistic
00:43people so let's talk a little bit about
00:45this okay
00:47pretty darn clear now
00:49now that narcissistic people use money
00:52to control other people to get status to
00:56get validation to punish people and if
00:59they don't have it it sets off a
01:02vulnerable narcissistic Cascade of
01:04sullenness
01:06victimization and rage
01:09and another really difficult theme
01:13around money
01:15especially in any kind of narcissistic
01:19relationship
01:20is there Financial hypocrisy and double
01:24standards around money
01:27any of you who've ever been in a
01:29narcissistic relationship have noticed
01:31that there are definitely two sets of
01:33Standards now what does that mean
01:34remember that hypocrisy is closely
01:37related to entitlement one set of rules
01:40for you one set of rules for me do as I
01:44say not as I do and it's a classical
01:47part of the narcissistic presentation
01:49and definitely plays a role in the
01:51financial piece the financial hypocrisy
01:54of narcissism is such that a
01:57narcissistic person will have no problem
02:01spending lots of money on themselves or
02:04for themselves but will become cruely
02:07miserly when it comes to the basic needs
02:11of the people around them much as was
02:14laid out in the shaming series they will
02:17shame people for spending money on
02:21themselves wow you are selfish spending
02:26that much of your money on a new code
02:29but they'll turn around and do it
02:31themselves in essence it does leave you
02:33wondering they're shaming is very likely
02:36about envying
02:39what the other person is doing and that
02:42the other person is doing something that
02:43they want to do for themselves and
02:45possibly doing it better than the
02:46narcissistic person but the idea that
02:48someone else might be doing what they're
02:50doing it brings up all that inadequacy
02:53the two sets of rules around money for
02:56anyone with a narcissistic and entitled
02:58style one set for themselves and another
03:01set for all other people all of this
03:04makes money really complicated in any
03:09kind of narcissistic relationship in
03:12fact these kinds of hypocrisy laid in
03:15conversations about money are often what
03:17get people into the abyss of defend and
03:21explain and engage with narcissistic
03:24people
03:24The Narcissist May shame or judge
03:27someone for purchasing something or
03:30spending money on a particular
03:32experience and will then turn around and
03:35do it on themselves and you will be
03:38sputtering and saying but and but they
03:41will find a way to make it seem as
03:44though their situation is truly
03:47different and Heaven help you if you
03:50record them or put documentation of the
03:53hypocrisy back in their face they will
03:57then write you off as Petty and sort of
04:00surveillency and even paranoid for doing
04:03that
04:04remember the Mantra of all narcissistic
04:07relationships in addition to that they
04:09won't change
04:10you can't win
04:13this hypocrisy about money brings in two
04:16of their themes their superficiality and
04:19their status seeking and their need for
04:21control
04:23the superficiality is obvious they need
04:26the things that signify their status
04:29whatever those may be cars clothes
04:33credentials experiences grown-up toys
04:37houses
04:39but that comes up against controlling
04:42almost always narcissistic people are
04:45very controlling around money and if you
04:47are in a relationship with them they
04:49would all they will often control the
04:51access to money if you are in a family
04:54with them they may be controlling about
04:57money so they can spend with abandon or
05:01spend on anyone they want but everyone
05:03else may be judged for engaging in that
05:07spending
05:08this financial hypocrisy and the double
05:12standards also mean that they are the
05:15ones the narcissistic people are the
05:17ones who get to decide what is worth
05:20spending money on
05:22you may be in a family situation or an
05:25intimate relationship where there are
05:27some shared finances and perhaps want to
05:31have a collaborative decision
05:34about saving for something as a
05:36relationship within your relationship or
05:37as a family maybe you want a house in a
05:40better school district that house may be
05:42smaller but it would be a significantly
05:44better education for your children or
05:46you might argue about school tuitions
05:48but any of this is at odds with what the
05:51narcissistic person wants for themselves
05:53and let's assume that they are the ones
05:56who have control over the money
05:59what will happen is that their spending
06:02will be labeled as selfish or stupid or
06:06will be judged contemptuously by the
06:09narcissistic person's more egocentric
06:12needs for the money
06:15one parent may be interested in trying
06:18to create better opportunities for their
06:21children
06:22the narcissistic parent might be more
06:25interested in getting a new car for
06:28themselves or living in a much bigger
06:31house
06:32and may turn around and frame and
06:35manipulate it as let the kids go to this
06:38other school who cares if it's not that
06:40good then hey our kids will be the
06:42smartest kids at that school or some
06:45other Twisted rationalization that
06:48allows them to stay in the big house
06:51with the new car with little regard with
06:54how it's affecting other people in the
06:56system
06:57keep in mind that the self-righteous
06:59part of narcissism can result in them
07:02making no compromises around taking it
07:06and around it and taking a sort of
07:08simplistic view about it it's my money I
07:12earned it I can do whatever I want with
07:16it
07:17so they take a role if they earned it so
07:20sometimes earned can be a bit subjective
07:24but they have it's their money so then
07:25they can spend with abandon and yet they
07:28will criticize how other people spend
07:31the money that they themselves earned
07:33it's back to the you can't win
07:35waiting for them to sign off and approve
07:38of how you spend money or do anything
07:40else in your life is like waiting for a
07:42train that is never going to come
07:46this egocentricity about money can
07:49result in lots of inconsistency around
07:52it and then every so often to get supply
07:55the narcissistic person will engage in a
07:59generous flourish with their money
08:01confusing everyone who may now want to
08:06view the narcissistic person as generous
08:09but keep in mind that spending was
08:13self-serving getting them they were
08:15spending this money on other people to
08:16get them narcissistic Supply not just to
08:19be generous to somebody else everything
08:21the narcissistic person does has to be
08:23viewed through the lens of how does it
08:25benefit them
08:26do as I say not as I do are words that
08:30narcissistic people live by there are
08:33two sets of rules on money can be
08:35extremely galling when it comes to a
08:37relationship and to be criticized for
08:40spending when you are in a relationship
08:42with someone who is spending it far more
08:45irresponsibly or selfishly can really be
08:49gaslighty
08:50and enraging remember in the
08:53narcissistic person's mindset everything
08:56is seen through only one point of view
08:59what works for them
09:02what gives them Supply
09:04and what allows them to better regulate
09:06themselves
09:07your spending goals your needs your
09:11plans are completely irrelevant
09:13we know that in any kind of relationship
09:17that Financial issues may be the most
09:19contentious and often destabilizing type
09:22of issue that there is in close
09:24relationships and likely cause the most
09:27relational disruption
09:29pay attention to these financial
09:31hypocrisies and double standards early
09:34on because they definitely show up early
09:36on
09:37if you aren't in agreement about money
09:40whether real and realistically or
09:42philosophically even early in a
09:44relationship you never will be
09:46especially if you are with someone whose
09:49attitude about money is that it's all
09:51about me
09:52and there and the way they approach
09:54money has massive blind spots but
09:56Financial stuff again philosophically
09:58conversations about money with
10:00narcissistic folks early on will
10:02definitely show double standards and
10:04other red flags pay attention to those
10:06let me tell you when it comes to money
10:08sometimes that kind of rigid thinking
10:10rarely shifts and we know narcissism is
10:13an extremely rigid style you know a lot
10:15of us think of how generous in grandiose
10:17narcissistic people are with money talk
10:20a little bit about stinginess
10:22the funny thing about narcissistic
10:24personality is that it is not a
10:26unidimensional one-way only construction
10:29it can look different ways because there
10:32are so many subtypes of narcissism and
10:36money brings out the worst of it one of
10:39the most confusing things regarding
10:41money was people who have narcissistic
10:44personalities is how they go back and
10:48forth between being either
10:50really really stingy and miserly to
10:53being really almost overly generous well
10:57there is a reason for that and so let's
10:59break some of that down
11:01let's start with the stinginess right
11:02that's what we were leading with being
11:05stingy or miserly is not the same as
11:09being fiscally prudent or careful being
11:12stingy for example is keeping things
11:14around long after they are useful just
11:18because you're thinking like I'm not
11:19throwing this out I paid good money for
11:21it it's about easily being able to
11:24afford to split the check but then not
11:27being willing to pay this you know the
11:29same amount because you because the
11:31narcissistic person or stingy person
11:33didn't have dessert
11:34it's about fiercely enforcing the upper
11:37limits on an office holiday grab bag
11:40gift
11:41it's about keeping track of how much
11:43money they spend each year on family
11:46birthday gifts and then reminding
11:48everyone how much they spend
11:50it's about telling an elderly parent
11:52that you know this year I think I may
11:54not give you a birthday gift because I
11:56had to chip in a little extra money for
11:58your wheelchair or your Walker it's
12:00gross
12:01it's Petty
12:03it's small-minded it's uncomfortable and
12:07it is not done out of necessity but out
12:10of a real mean-spiritedness and you can
12:13see how the stuff of narcissism comes
12:16into play here the lack of empathy the
12:19entitlement the low-grade paranoia and
12:22the sense that people are always trying
12:25to take advantage of them
12:27it's not about Big Ticket stuff that has
12:31real Financial ramifications and
12:34stinginess is often accompanied by
12:37rumination they will track every cent
12:41and even keep these bizarre records so
12:44for example if there is a divorce or a
12:47will or an estate or trust or even a
12:50friendship be prepared that they would
12:54present someone with a bill for past
12:57anniversary gifts or childhood expenses
12:59or a dinner you had years ago just
13:02because they're mad
13:04there is a meanness to stinginess and it
13:07overlaps quite clearly with the meanness
13:10of the narcissistic personality
13:14but what confuses the hell out of people
13:17is that sometimes this very same
13:21narcissist and if not this one others
13:25can be very generous almost grandiosely
13:29generous think love bombing expensive
13:32gifts big nights out narcissistic folks
13:36May throw down the credit card and pick
13:39up the check for a big group of people
13:41on dinner out or a bar tab everyone will
13:44clap and congratulate them oh thank you
13:47oh my gosh you're so generous and you
13:50can see how much the narcissistic person
13:52loves that grandiose moment but at the
13:56same time if you watch really carefully
14:00you can see it on their face they love
14:03the grandiose moment and the show of it
14:06all but there is a tiny resentment
14:09underneath the mask it's Primal at A
14:13Primitive level they know they got the
14:16narcissistic Supply which relieves the
14:19tension because they always need it
14:21but now we'll slowly start the nagging
14:25ruminative doubt of they only like me
14:29because I paid for this big dinner and I
14:32will guarantee you they will bring it up
14:35at some point in some future argument
14:37ugh you friends are such freeloaders I'm
14:41sure they want me to come they expect me
14:42to pick up the check they I picked it up
14:44that one time they expected that or your
14:46family is a bunch of users and they're
14:48always just waiting for me to pay or ugh
14:51you're such a gold digger always looking
14:53to me for money
14:55even when the reality was that everyone
14:58was not only fully ready to split the
15:00check but really really we're pushing
15:02and trying to but nope The Narcissist
15:05needed their grandiose moment remember
15:07the golden rule of narcissistic
15:09relationships you can't win
15:13as a general pattern narcissistic
15:15personalities tend to be generous when
15:17it is public when it will get them
15:19Supply when it will get them noticed
15:21it's what we can call something called
15:23agentic generosity it's a means to an
15:26end it's something they do actively you
15:28get what they need it's not in the
15:30spirit of generosity the idea of like
15:32I'm lucky enough to have and it makes me
15:35happy to share what I do have and they
15:37might even think like gosh everyone
15:39around this table has been really kind
15:40to me and it's nice on this day to be
15:43able to do something nice no no no no
15:44for narcissistic people everything's a
15:47transaction to get something usually
15:49narcissistic Supply or to posture
15:53narcissists may use these episodes of
15:55generosity as a way to shame someone
15:58else they'll toss down the card and say
16:01to someone at the table out loud in
16:02front of everyone hey hey you I know
16:05you're going through a tough time and I
16:07know that your job doesn't pay that well
16:10listen it's really nice to be able to
16:11show you a high-end not a high-end night
16:15out at a decent place instead of those
16:17usual dumps you go to it's you and it's
16:20gross and it can feel humiliating and
16:23degrading for not only the people on the
16:25receiving end but to anyone who's
16:27witnessing this
16:29now because of the narcissistic tendency
16:32to feeling persecuted or victimized if
16:36they feel that their generosity isn't
16:38getting enough gratitude they will
16:41become Sullen and glum and passive
16:43aggressive you almost wish they would
16:46tell you how many thank yous do you want
16:50for this necklace for this gift card for
16:52this dinner because if you don't thank
16:54them if you don't thank them right or
16:57you don't thank them enough they will
16:59experience a narcissistic injury and
17:01they will lash out if others don't thank
17:04them enough it's exactly the same they
17:08will also as I already said they will
17:10often ruminate after they've been
17:12generous this idea of I'm being taken
17:16advantage of these people are only
17:18coming because they want to drink my
17:20great wine from my collection or hang
17:22out in my nice house
17:24everybody always expects me to take care
17:26of them meanwhile no one's expecting
17:28that the narcissistic person just keeps
17:30doing it
17:31they will whine endlessly about it but
17:33it's a real Catch-22 for people with
17:36narcissistic personalities because most
17:38narcissists struggle with being alone
17:40even the vulnerable narcissists because
17:44they need Supply
17:47so they can regulate themselves and they
17:50like to dominate social interactions so
17:53they will use money to control those
17:55interactions and control the narrative
17:57and then resent the idea but people
18:00spend time with them because they spend
18:02money on them and we could look at this
18:04in the certain kind of transactional
18:06relationships out there there's
18:07definitely a certain breed of
18:09narcissistic person who consistently
18:11gets into transactional relationships
18:14with Partners usually it's someone older
18:16who has the resources finding someone
18:18much younger but who's very considered
18:20very attractive or something like that
18:22the younger Partners often there for the
18:24free ride and for the goodies the older
18:27narcissistic person is aggravated
18:29because they want the attractive younger
18:32partner but they resent how much they
18:35have to spend and want the younger
18:37partner to want them just because
18:40they're lovable good luck with that it's
18:43not how transactional relationships work
18:45but ultimately the the cardinal rule of
18:49narcissistic relationships you can't win
18:52now this whole stinginess thing can also
18:55see you can see it happen in families
18:57where generosity and stinginess are used
18:59as a way to either keep people close or
19:01punish them if you purchase the family
19:04members they will then show up to
19:06holiday dinners and birthdays and other
19:08family events so that the family the
19:11family member who's got the money can
19:12hold Court
19:14but the generous high-spending
19:16narcissist is a way that the reason is
19:19aware that the reason that people are at
19:21the family dinner is for the money and
19:25the narcissistic family members
19:26especially parents will often use money
19:29as a way to triangulate manipulate and
19:32play favorites and then if a
19:35narcissistic family member spends money
19:37on someone and those people don't show
19:39up
19:40they will feel very betrayed and let
19:42them know it now over time especially in
19:45a classically love bomb devalue discard
19:47cycle the transition from generosity to
19:50miserliness can be seen it will
19:53transition from gifts and nights out and
19:55vacations to lots of penny pinching and
19:58then accusations about you only being in
20:01it with them for the money
20:03it may go from them
20:05consistently picking up the check even
20:07if you offered to help out to accusing
20:10you of using them at the end of the meal
20:12so you that might find yourself paying
20:14more and more for meals out even meals
20:17that you cannot always afford especially
20:19if there's a significant difference in
20:20how much money you earn compared to the
20:22narcissistic partner it may manifest in
20:26them becoming punitive about household
20:28expenses and the market contrast will be
20:32striking you might find that you went
20:34from going first class to Paris to
20:37hearing complaints about why do the kids
20:39need new clothes for school over the
20:42course of the relationship and there is
20:45plenty of money to spend and yet they're
20:47complaining
20:48remember all relationships are
20:51transactional for narcissistic people so
20:54it's about the narcissist spending money
20:57to get supply or love or adoration and
21:01then when they finally kind of have that
21:04relationship nailed down or are no
21:06longer really interested in that person
21:07then they no longer want to spend it and
21:10then they feel used so then they they
21:12sort of slide into that stinginess
21:13territory
21:15money is such a complicated language to
21:18speak with a narcissistic person it
21:21doesn't matter if they are a billionaire
21:23or if they are broke it always raises
21:27issues their generosity is actually
21:30really just a way to control people
21:32control the conversation and a quick way
21:36to be perceived
21:37as a nice person
21:39their stinginess is a manifestation of
21:43their incapacity for empathy intimacy
21:48and it also reflects their chronically
21:51sort of just under the line paranoid
21:53sense that they are being taken
21:55advantage of there is little middle
21:58ground and as such always beware a gift
22:01horse with the narcissist gifts always
22:06carry strings ask yourself if that gift
22:09is actually worth the cost what happens
22:13when you loan a narcissist money so I'd
22:16like you all to reflect on that question
22:17maybe you've even done it what happens
22:19when you loan
22:21a narcissist money what's your guess
22:23drop it in the comments
22:25I'm guessing because I can't I'm doing
22:28this now I can't see your comments is
22:30most of you said you ain't gonna get it
22:32back and that's a good bet why
22:35because narcissistic people actually
22:36kind of feel entitled to your money they
22:39have interestingly people who are
22:40narcissistic have enough of a filter to
22:42not say hey I'm great so you should give
22:45me money
22:46but they're probably thinking it
22:48narcissistic personality is sort of
22:51associated with Shady Shifty deceitful
22:53gaslighting and impulsive behavior so
22:56again all of that means that not only do
22:58you not get your money back but also
23:01that you may be so gaslighted and
23:03manipulated that by the time that they
23:05are done with you you may even think
23:07that they don't really owe it back to
23:10you and that maybe they did you a favor
23:12by letting you loan the money is really
23:15confusing
23:16well since narcissistic folks are such
23:18Hot Shots why would they even need to
23:20borrow money well in some cases it's
23:22realistic they just may not have any
23:24and because appearances are so important
23:27to them most of them except for the
23:30self-righteous ones who that's their own
23:32that's their own kind of animal
23:35um most narcissistic folks are
23:36relatively impulsive with money and will
23:38spend it to get validation they'll spend
23:40it on how they look they'll spend it on
23:42other people they'll want to look like
23:44they have a certain lifestyle and as a
23:46result they may simply borrow money to
23:49supplement what they the what little
23:51money they have to just look better
23:53they may also borrow money in the name
23:56of grandiosity an idea they want to get
23:58off the ground some deal or some great
24:01deal or some great business that they
24:03want to get everyone into that sort of
24:04thing just as a sidebar self-righteous
24:07narcissistic folks are the ones who are
24:09a little bit funny about money they're
24:11really rigid about money they probably
24:13won't ask you for any they will
24:15criticize how you spend your own money
24:17they won't ever use their money to help
24:19someone else they will use money to
24:21shame and control others so they kind of
24:23do money in a different way
24:25so the other question may be does it
24:27bring up shame for narcissistic people
24:29to borrow money
24:31probably yes but that happens at an
24:34almost unconscious level and they're
24:35really masterful at coming up with
24:37rationalizations and to engage in denial
24:40in denial things like well nobody ever's
24:42ever paid me what I'm worth so they may
24:45actually feel entitled to people giving
24:47them money
24:48but at the core of it if the
24:50narcissistic person needs the money it
24:53will bring up shame for them to ask you
24:55and if in fact you are actually able to
24:57loan them the money they may actually
24:59also resent you for being able to do so
25:02and resent the dependency on you that it
25:04raises so they will project that shame
25:07on you and hate you even though you're
25:09bailing them out it gets really messy
25:12a narcissistic person may also try
25:14something slick like borrowing some
25:18money from you and then they pay it back
25:20then they'll borrow a little more maybe
25:22a little more
25:23and they'll pay it back they may slowly
25:26increase the amounts like a grooming
25:27process and pay it pay you back
25:30and if you don't know their financial
25:32situation well and they seem to be
25:33portraying a decent lifestyle you might
25:35actually become confident because they
25:37already have paid you back in the past
25:38that they'll keep paying you back and
25:41when they don't pay you back and you ask
25:42them about it they'll Gaslight you and
25:44say oh what's wrong don't you trust me
25:46I've paid you back in the past of course
25:48I'm going to pay you back
25:50and they'll make it really aversive
25:53for you to ask about the money every
25:55time you bring it up they'll argue with
25:57you they'll shame you they'll call you
25:59petty they'll call you miserly or other
26:01names or they'll just give you the run
26:03around and this Behavior may leave you
26:06questioning yourself and also
26:08disincentivize you from having the
26:10conversation with them and you just may
26:12not want to keep asking them because the
26:14conversations are so convoluted and you
26:16just simply get exhausted
26:18the way a narcissistic person gets money
26:21from you may not even be a direct ask it
26:24may be a version of backdoor borrowing
26:26they might say something like I forgot
26:28my credit card can you front me
26:30my ATM card isn't working my venmo isn't
26:33working my PayPal isn't working can you
26:35just cover me I'll obviously pay you
26:37back so it's not a loan but then you may
26:39find yourself having to ask for the
26:41money back they'll claim like oh I
26:43forgot about it and if you're someone
26:45who's conflict or request a verse and
26:48don't like asking these things this may
26:50start getting really uncomfortable for
26:51you and in fact when they first ask you
26:53to front them
26:55and if you were to ask something like
26:56hey are you going to pay me back they
26:58may even contemptuously sniff at you and
27:01say please of course I'm going to pay
27:03you back who do you think I am do you
27:04think I'm some kind of freeloader
27:07and then you may feel bad for suggesting
27:09otherwise
27:11so it all becomes a very Twisted
27:13manipulation
27:14getting into any kind of financial setup
27:17with a narcissistic person is always
27:18going to be a mess money has too much
27:21Surplus meaning for them so it will
27:23always end up badly but it's not always
27:27the straight up loan as much as it is
27:29the back door ask that creates the
27:31problems or even the victimize ask where
27:34they say ah everything in my life is
27:36going wrong and then you being the
27:38empathic Soul you are might just give
27:41them money
27:42usual guidelines on any money lending to
27:45anyone which is basically never expect
27:47money you lend back so don't give any
27:50amount of money you can't afford to lose
27:52lie if you have to but be prepared to
27:54lose it especially when you loan money
27:56to a narcissistic person
27:59and just as a sort of final follow-up
28:01question you may be wondering what if
28:03you try to borrow money from them
28:08all I can say is Holy heaven they may
28:12pull out some kind of 50 loan shark
28:14agreement or they may just say no or
28:18they may humiliate and degrade you about
28:20why you need it or even make gross
28:22suggestions on how you can pay it back
28:25to them if they have it and you need it
28:27to be in that it disempowered a position
28:30you would probably do better with a
28:32predatory lender or credit card
28:34borrowing fees than to pay the
28:36psychological interest rate of borrowing
28:39it from them
28:40if it's a self-righteous narcissistic
28:42person you're trying to get the money
28:43from they are so miserly that they will
28:47lecture you for a shame you and
28:49humiliate you and then still not give
28:51you the money
28:52money and narcissistic people never mix
28:55when it comes to any form of
28:56relationship don't borrow don't lend and
29:00don't expect it to end well the interest
29:02rate on borrowed money whenever
29:04narcissistic people are involved is
29:07basically an annual percentage rate on
29:10your soul it's kind of in opposition to
29:12what we think is the truth right there
29:14there are the big the
29:16town I'll take I'll pick up the check
29:18I'll
29:23keep
29:25well that's part of the whole love
29:26bombing when you over manipulation phase
29:30since those Glory Days Are Done
29:32you start to see a very different
29:34narcissists in fact can be quite miserly
29:38there's a sort of a hypersensitivity
29:41slash paranoia that narcissists have
29:43about them they often feel that other
29:45people are taking it of them and they
29:48often tend to keep like a mental Ledger
29:50or a mental balance sheet like I did
29:52this for you now you have to do this for
29:54me they're very quid pro quo in their
29:56relationships and that matters even in
29:58matters of money I spent this much I
30:01expect you to do this for me and so it
30:03may not be as much as I spent this much
30:05you owe me this much but there can be
30:07something that feels very transactional
30:10about relationships with narcissists
30:12maybe not as unseemly as paying someone
30:14for sex but it is on that level of hey
30:17I'm providing for you I should be able
30:19to control you
30:20all right gave you this so I expect you
30:23to do that or make me look good and it's
30:25very
30:26um it's made very obvious which means it
30:28doesn't feel very good
30:31there's a real lack of insight to their
30:33cheapness too they don't realize that
30:35they they are sometimes they turn on and
30:37off their generosity it's the on and off
30:39that makes you realize that their
30:40generosity is actually relatively
30:43manipulative
30:44they'll be generous at times it's going
30:47to get them something so when they pick
30:49up the check for everyone
30:51and so they can look good to a large
30:53group of people
30:54but then you may go out with them
30:56one-on-one where there's no one to
30:58impress and they may not pick up that
31:01they may be they may be very
31:02inconsistent you generous generous
31:05generous for weeks maybe even months and
31:07then one day it'll switch and they'll
31:09say what are you doing why are you
31:11buying them and you'll be like okay gosh
31:14I got familiarized with this is how you
31:16wanted to do things men they'll change
31:18the rules on you
31:19changing the rules on people is a great
31:21way to always keeping them kind of
31:23mentally off balance but also for the
31:25narcissist
31:27because they're so insecure they will
31:29often use money as a way to say hey I
31:31can win you over you have to be my
31:33friend because I'm
31:34buying but in the same breath they don't
31:36like that that's the case so then all of
31:38a sudden deal with
31:40but when we think about someone being
31:42cheap we usually you think about this in
31:44terms of money
31:46's not the only resource we have
31:48we also have resources like time and
31:52emotion
31:53so where they can also be cheap is with
31:55their time they will be they won't give
31:57you a lot of it they will be very
31:59chintzy with it say yeah I'll come to
32:02your concert for a little while or yeah
32:04yeah I'll come to your work thing for a
32:05little while it'll seem like they they
32:08hold back on the probably oftentimes the
32:10only thing you want from someone you
32:11love which is their time
32:13or their presence they may show up to
32:17anything including life but they're not
32:20really there it feels like they're
32:22either always on their device or
32:24watching TV or just not plugged in with
32:28you that they're just cheap they're
32:29cheap with their time they're cheap with
32:31their money and they can be cheap with
32:33themselves in terms of how much of it
32:36they'll give over
32:38the inconsistency in their so-called
32:40generosity the kind of manipulativeness
32:43of generosity and the way they often
32:46will view money as a way to get things
32:48done rather than a real sharing of it it
32:50does feel it feels kind of gross and it
32:53actually after a while it can feel
32:55really uncomfortable to accept their
32:58gifts and generosity because you know a
33:00generous Monday could be followed by a
33:02really almost verbally abusive Thursday
33:04after a while the gifts feel or the
33:07money feels like an uncomfortable offset
33:09you'll really desperately want to split
33:11the check or take on the whole check
33:12yourself to avoid this feeling and
33:16sometimes they'll even go so far as to
33:17believe you owe them that hey I've done
33:20all these things for you now you owe me
33:21but you may not be able to provide at
33:23the same level or they may make fun of
33:26the way you're able to do things so you
33:28might feel like in a fair world you're
33:30right you took me out to dinner last
33:31week let me take you out to dinner this
33:33week but if you choose a place that they
33:35don't think is good enough for them that
33:38might become a space in which they'll
33:39humiliate you
33:40so their cheapness can play out in lots
33:43of different ways it's often a
33:45reflection of some of their tendency
33:46towards manipulation it can be also the
33:50sort of the narcissist's cheapness is a
33:52lack of insight it's also it can also be
33:55a um it could be a real entitlement that
33:58they they feel like I'm owed things at
34:00times and again their tendency to view
34:03things that's quite transactional the
34:05fact is though it is quite uncomfortable
34:07and as they always say you know always
34:10look a gift horse in the mouth I think
34:12we can forward that too always look a
34:15narcissist gift in the mouth too it
34:18often carries extra meaning and their
34:21cheapness and their miserliness and not
34:24just with money but with time and with
34:26their set and with themselves can feel
34:28like a really
34:30destabilizing place or interestingly
34:33their behavior they're being cheap can
34:37leave you feeling cheapened yourself
34:40now this idea of a narcissistic person
34:43making more money than the other person
34:45in a relationship maybe the most common
34:48playing out of a relationship scenario
34:50with a narcissistic person research
34:52suggests that narcissistic people on
34:55average do tend to make more money they
34:57tend to have greater Career Success and
35:00they are more likely to pursue and
35:01Achieve positions of leadership and as a
35:05result of all of this your narcissistic
35:07partner is likely to make more money
35:10than you it may also be what made them
35:14more attractive to you unfortunately
35:16people are drawn to successful people
35:20and money now Society has always gotten
35:24behind the idea that a Rich Partner is a
35:26better partner or wealthy partner is a
35:28better partner and narcissistic people
35:31are also more likely to be chosen as
35:34good choices as marital Partners again
35:36as indicated by the research
35:39even if when you met you were making
35:43similar salaries or are both just
35:47starting out they're the ambitious and
35:50assiduous focus on work and money and
35:54power that we observe in people with
35:56narcissistic personalities means that
35:58they may ultimately end up outpacing you
36:00money-wise and as I raised in another
36:02video in this series before long
36:04especially if you perhaps decide to
36:07start a family or the narcissistic
36:09partner has to move for a job it may
36:12result in the other partner giving up a
36:14job freelancing or stopping working to
36:18either care for children or care for the
36:20household which ends up being much more
36:23convenient for the narcissistic person
36:25and then there is a clear differential
36:29in in differential in incomes right
36:31because if somebody's not working then
36:34the person not working is definitely not
36:35going to be making any money and they're
36:37going to be making less
36:39if you're not working they may if you
36:41are working I should say they may mock
36:43the amount of money you make they may
36:44make fun of your job or they may find
36:46other ways to frame the income disparity
36:49through a shaming lens
36:51however you get here if the narcissistic
36:55person makes more money than you
36:58the short answer to that is in the long
37:00term you are in big trouble
37:03money is power and in a narcissistic
37:06relationship power is abused and this
37:10money will absolutely be a tool of
37:12control punishment and coercion
37:16you may find yourself in the
37:18uncomfortable position of having to ask
37:20for money for fundamental needs in the
37:23household you may find yourself in the
37:26dark about your family finances and you
37:29may find yourself shamed for spending
37:32any money on yourself
37:34initially in the love bombing stage
37:38everything can seem good if they make
37:41more money then you may find yourself in
37:45a situation in which maybe you're
37:46getting gifts or being taken care of or
37:49not having to worry about the headaches
37:52or the details of money all of this can
37:54be quite seductive reassuring and fun
37:58until it's not and once the devaluing
38:01begins it stops being fun
38:05during the devaluing phase you can
38:08expect to be criticized about money how
38:11you spend it how much you have and even
38:14start being viewed suspiciously
38:18and during the discard especially if
38:21it's a dissolution of a marriage you
38:24will be in a horrific epic battle that
38:27will change you forever
38:29listen the narcissistic partner may be
38:32the one who encouraged you to pull back
38:34at work and now they are criticizing you
38:37for not bringing in enough
38:39if it ends up proceeding to a full-on
38:41divorce narcissistic people who make
38:44more even much more money even though by
38:47the letter of the law and family of
38:49Court are supposed to pay spousal
38:51support they will fight that requirement
38:54tooth and nail
38:56the power differential engendered by a
38:59narcissistic person making more money in
39:02a relationship can make the relationship
39:04very uncomfortable for a very long time
39:08another issue that makes this
39:10challenging is the suspiciousness that
39:14accompanies the narcissistic personality
39:16style the suspiciousness that is
39:19observed in narcissistic personalities
39:22can sort of look like a low-grade
39:25paranoia a kind of constant
39:27victimization and a chronic sense of
39:30persecution and that like the sense that
39:33other people are out to get them as a
39:36result if they are earning more money
39:38then there's a constant suspiciousness
39:41that you are taking advantage of them
39:45that you are only in it for the money
39:48that you in essence are basically a
39:51grifter and yet
39:54if you were to raise the idea of earning
39:57your money or earning your own money or
39:59pursuing a job or something in your
40:01career that would result in more money
40:03in more than a few cases they will
40:05either mock that idea or even get angry
40:08at you for thinking that they aren't
40:10earning enough remember the Mantra you
40:14can't win
40:16listen unless you were in a really
40:19strangely unique situation where you are
40:22in a relationship with someone who maybe
40:24has the same job as you at the same
40:27level in any relationship someone is
40:30always going to make more money when
40:32there are two healthy people in a
40:35relationship then there are shared
40:38conversations about money collaboration
40:41about family budgets Clarity on role
40:44expectations and attempt to create
40:47equality in other ways in the
40:49relationship
40:51in a narcissistic relationship they want
40:54the power that comes from making more
40:58money and will use that differential
41:00that income differential to control
41:03punish or to harness
41:06as a sort of weapon to get what they
41:08need
41:09there can also be a strange culture
41:12around gift giving in a narcissistic
41:15relationship
41:17they might might buy from time to time
41:19might buy you expensive gifts and expect
41:22you to ooh and ah but when you need
41:24basics for the household you will be met
41:26with resistance
41:28in a family system it doesn't play out
41:31so clearly if other family members make
41:35more money the same themes of
41:38suspiciousness and coercion and power
41:42abuses will also unfold and by and large
41:46it's always to go best to go dutch in
41:49these family situations and not expect
41:52the narcissistic family members who make
41:55more money to actually Step Up
41:59now more people in close relationships
42:03are in this situation of somebody making
42:05more than the other than not believe it
42:08or not because it is more probable like
42:11I said that the narcissistic person will
42:13make more money
42:15be aware that other than in the earliest
42:18days of Love bombing this Dynamic will
42:22rarely be healthy in the long term
42:24the most important thing to remember is
42:28that no matter what relationship you are
42:31in healthy narcissistic you name it
42:34always stay on top of the finances never
42:38assume that another person is taking
42:40care of them even if you don't care for
42:43money and figures even if the two of you
42:46don't have a lot of money figure it out
42:48if somebody really pushes back early in
42:52a relationship on you really making
42:54inquiries about money and how you budget
42:57and how you manage it that is a massive
43:00massive red flag nobody nobody should
43:05ever be unclear on their own Financial
43:08picture
43:09this lack of interest in your own
43:11finances is a position that a lot of
43:14narcissistic people will take advantage
43:16of and when they make more money they
43:19feel entitled to having access to
43:22information and not being transparent
43:24with you
43:25again if it's early days you may really
43:27want to consider if this is healthy for
43:29you because it can be really risky if
43:32and when things go south because what
43:34you could find yourself is fighting the
43:36Battle of your life
43:37for money that you need and if you've
43:40been out of the workplace for a long
43:42time it can be very hard to make up that
43:44difference so this power differential
43:46created by somebody making much more
43:48and not only the power differential but
43:51the need for power in somebody who has
43:53this kind of personality can make this a
43:56precarious place so make sure you
43:58educate yourself and train yourself to
44:01be your own Financial Advocate thanks
44:03again
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FAQs about This YouTube Video

1. How do narcissistic individuals use money as a tool of control and manipulation in relationships?

Narcissistic individuals use money as a tool of control and manipulation in relationships by exhibiting financial hypocrisy and double standards. They may appear generous at first, but can become stingy, refusing to prioritize basic needs or share finances.

2. What are the risks of borrowing or lending money with narcissists?

Borrowing or lending money with narcissists is risky and often leads to manipulation, humiliation, and a sense of being indebted. They may use financial transactions as a means to exert control and to reinforce their power in the relationship.

3. How do narcissistic individuals exhibit financial hypocrisy and double standards in relationships?

Narcissistic individuals exhibit financial hypocrisy and double standards in relationships by appearing generous initially but then becoming stingy, refusing to prioritize basic needs or share finances. They may expect others to contribute significantly while they contribute minimally.

4. What are the characteristics of financial hypocrisy and double standards in narcissistic relationships?

The characteristics of financial hypocrisy and double standards in narcissistic relationships include an apparent generosity that can turn into stinginess, refusal to fulfill basic needs or share finances, and expecting others to contribute significantly while making minimal contributions themselves.

5. How can narcissistic individuals use money to exert control and manipulation in relationships?

Narcissistic individuals use money to exert control and manipulation in relationships by leveraging it as a tool to reinforce their power, enforce double standards, and create a sense of indebtedness and obligation in their partners.

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